It's Not Your Fault

Feeling guilty about your parenting? Not all parents start from the same place. Some families have steady jobs, good health, and a lot of support. Others are doing the same hard work of raising children while worrying about money, housing, work hours, or their own mental health. These pressures change how much time, patience, and energy each parent has to be an active co-parent. It’s not about who loves their child more. It’s about what each parent is already carrying before they even walk in the door.

The Hidden Weight Some Parents Carry

When you’re constantly on alert about survival ~  paying rent, keeping your job, staying healthy it’s harder to stay calm, playful, and patient at home. Your brain is already in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode before your child even has their first meltdown of the day

Long or Unpredictable Work Hours

When you never know what time you’ll be home or you’re working late or nights, it’s hard to plan routines, attend appointments, or have regular calm time with your kids. You may want to be more involved, but your schedule keeps pulling you away.

Job Insecurity, Bills Piling Up, or Debt

When you’re worrying about paying rent, groceries, or debt, your brain is stuck in “survival mode.” That constant stress makes it harder to stay patient, focused, and emotionally present with your child, even though you care deeply.

Living in a Small or Unstable Space

Crowded or temporary housing can mean less privacy and safety, and more noise and tension. It’s harder to create quiet routines or safe and calm spaces for kids when you’re always sharing rooms, do not live in a safe neighbourhood might have to move again soon.

Opposite Work Shifts From Your Partner

When one parent comes home just as the other leaves, it can feel like you’re running a tag-team instead of a family. You see each other less, have fewer chances to plan together, and may each only get short and rushed time with the kids. It’s much harder to feel like a parenting “team” when you’re rarely in the same room and family might not feel like family anymore.

Caring For Other Family Members or Sending Money Home

If you’re also supporting parents, siblings, or relatives emotionally, financially, or physically—you’re carrying two or three families on your shoulders. Your time, energy, and money are stretched thin, which can leave less for your own kids and partner, even though you’re doing your best.

Chronic Pain, Illness, Anxiety, or Depression

When your body or mind is hurting, everyday parenting tasks suddenly take twice as much effort. You may need more rest, move more slowly, or struggle to regulate your own emotions, which makes tantrums, homework, or bedtime feel overwhelming.

Immigration Stress, Racism, or Other Forms of Discrimination

Facing language barriers, fear about status, or unfair treatment because of race, culture, or religion adds an extra layer of stress. You might feel you have to work harder just to be seen as a “good parent,” which is exhausting and can drain the energy you wish you had for your kids.

When Dad Wants to Be Involved but Feels Stuck

  Many Fathers Want To Be More Present But Feel Blocked By:

Pressure to stay late at work or never miss a shift

Feeling embarrassed or unsure about doing care tasks “right”

Expectations to be the “provider” first and parent second

Growing up without an involved father themselves

A dad who comes home exhausted, worried about money, and unsure how to comfort a crying child might slip into the role of “helper” instead of co-parent—not because he doesn’t care, but because he feels out of tools and out of energy

How Unequal Starting Points Show Up at Home

When one parent is carrying more stress, it often shows up as:

  • snapping or shutting down more quickly

  • avoiding difficult tasks with the kids

  • spending more time on their phone, gaming, or staying late at work

  • feeling guilty and pulling back even more

 

The other parent might start to think, “I’m the only one who can handle this,” and quietly take over everything. Over time this can turn into resentment, loneliness, or the feeling of being a single parent in a two-parent home.

Meanwhile Children Might See:

 

  • one parent as the “serious” or “angry” one

  • the other parent as the “real” parent who does all the work

  • themselves as a burden instead of someone worth showing up for

 

This is why co-parenting matters so much for kids’ emotional safety: having two adults who can comfort, guide, and be steady makes it less scary when one parent is tired, sick, or having a hard time.

 

 

Co-Parenting with Different Starting Points

You don’t have to have a “perfect life” to be co-parents. You can still build teamwork even when life is messy

Talk about the load before the conflict Instead of “You never help,” try “I know work is heavy right now, but I’m drowning with school emails and bedtime. Can we shift one thing this week?”
Match tasks to energy Maybe the more stressed parent can’t handle homework time but can do bedtime reading, school drop-off, or Sunday meal prep.
Create small and steady moments with the kids A 10-minute check-in at night, a weekly walk, or one standing “Dad and kid” routine can mean a lot, even when life is chaotic.
Ask for support where you can Family, friends, community programs, counselling, or financial/mental-health supports can lighten the overall load so both parents can show up more.

Co-parenting isn’t about both adults doing exactly the same thing. It’s about both being committed to the child, sharing the mental and emotional work as fairly as possible, and adjusting when life changes.

A Gentle Reminder

 

If you’re reading this and thinking, “No wonder I’m exhausted,” please hear this...

 

 

 

You didn’t choose your work conditions, your childhood, or the economy. But you do have power in how you and your co-parent talk about the load, how you share it, and how you show up for your child in the moments you do have

Much of what makes parenting hard is not your fault

Clicking on the next page will help you explore how schools, workplaces, communities, and culture shape family life — and how small changes in your circles can make co-parenting easier